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Random Thoughts

Empty Space

So I feel depressed. Not crying all the time; staying in bed; not returning phone calls kind of depressed (been there many times), but a low grade, blah 24/7 feeling. There’s an empty space inside that I’ve been trying to fill and my fill of choice has mostly been food. The empty space is wanting to have a baby.

I always figured that when I decided it was time to get pregnant, it would happen right away. See, I believed what I was told as a teenager. It only takes one time to get pregnant, so be careful. Kinda ticks me off, all that money I spent for 10 years or so on birth control pills and now it’s not happening. All those irresponsible teenagers getting pregnant just drives me crazy!!!!

John and I will have been together this May for 6 years and married for 5 years. I can’t say we started “trying”, but we started not preventing after we’d been married about a year. We’ve had some tests that say both of us are normal and there’s really no reason we aren’t getting pregnant. I’ve taken 3 cycles of a medication to increase ovulation and then John got laid off from work, so we didn’t continue on to the next step. Now John is working 2 jobs and I feel like everyone has kids or is pregant and it’s really starting to bother me. I’m happy for them, of course, and I truly am excited for my neice who is to be born this January. I can’t wait to meet Olivia Foreman!!

We’ll be 35 this summer and I’m worried about being an “older Mom”. John and I have discussed that if we weren’t pregnant by our 35th birthday’s, then we would start the adoption process. Of course, my worry is that having a history of depression and panic disorder will eliminate us from the process. Then what do we do? What do I do? Try to fill my life with my business, neices and nephews, volunteering, family & friends?

So filling the empty space with food is also impacting my health and my fertility. I’ve gained alot of weight in the last 6 years and I feel crappy most of the time. I also don’t love how I look. I remember always being called skinny minny and being able to eat whatever I wanted. I thought I was fairly good looking. I mean not gorgeous super model material, but not ugly by any means. I was a high school cheerleader and jazz, hip hop, ballet, and tap dancer. My dream was to choreograph music videos and concerts. I was active for 3-4 hours everyday. Even after high school my friends and I spent quite a bit of time at bars, dancing, and I didn’t drink, so I was still burning alot of calories.

Now I’m the ultimate couch potato, watching active people on TV. Thinking I should get up and do something and then deciding not to bother. I still eat what I want, but hardly any of it tastes good, nor is most of it good for me. Shopping for clothes is a high stress activity because I still choose clothes I could have worn at 135 pounds, but are not attractive for someone my size.

I’ll be adding to this rant from time to time, but it feels good to get these thoughts out. If you read this, please DO NOT send me fertility advice or stories about people who couldn’t get pregnant and as soon as they stopped trying they got pregnant and are now blissfully happy. I know you mean well, but those stories don’t help nor do they inspire hope. Your prayers are welcome and much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

About angelabee

BEE-lieve The BUZZ!! Beauty Consultant and Blogger Historic House Museum Manager Diploma in Cultural Resource Management from University of Victoria


3 thoughts on “Empty Space

  1. That really sucks Angela. No one (unless they have been there) could possibly understand the longing for a baby when it isn’t happening…I have been where you are and there are no words to describe the pain.
    Sending you positive vibes.


    Posted by Kyla | January 23, 2011, 1:10 am
  2. I feel for you Ange. Chin up.


    Posted by Julie | January 21, 2011, 10:01 pm

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